7 Days Since My Last Accident

I like to celebrate my wins in life. You are probably wondering....now what happened seven days ago??? Not much just totaled my car. The car I bought because my ex husband totaled the car that I loved.....that one - that is the one I rammed into the back end of a Tahoe. I had to run a couple errands on the way to work. Just so it is clear - I was sober when the accident happened. I did however have some unsual items in the car at the time of the crash. One was a rather large bag of cat food. The other was my largest suitcase that can fit a dead body in. Not that I have....yet.

So I run my errand to get the cat food. I am on my way home when I hit the red light. I see the light turn green and it takes a while for everyone in front of me to get going....and when we do a piece of paper floats off of my passenger seat. Which of course draws my attention to it for a split second. In that split second....the traffic in front of me stopped. I slam on my breaks, way too late. The front end of my car ends up concave and my air bags deployed. Or as a friend of mine has said the Clairebags have deployed. Indeed they have. The smoke....not powder....SMOKE from the air bags is almost more scary than the accident itself. I first check my teeth - and thank goodness they were all there - no damage what so ever. I could really care less about the car....lets face it people these pearly whites have caused me more heart ache than anything else on earth. There is a silver lining....teeth are fine, I am fine, the guy I hit is fine. All was as well as it could be.

The motorcycle cop shows up - I am totally expecting him to be an asshole. Cuz lets face it most cops are. Instead he was very nice even pulled my suitcase out of the car. Gave me a ticket but he was nice about it. He even waited on the side of the road with me until my car was towed away and while I waited for Ali to come and pick me up. That must have been a site to see. I had to look like some retarded hobo. Standing there with a giant bag of cat food and suitcase I could sleep in....luckily Ali was there very quickly and I did not have to wait for long by the side of the road. But what a vision I made that morning with the cat food and ginorma suitcase.

I have since talked with my insurance company and there was more damage than the car was worth - thus the totaling of the car. Which works out really for the good because I was planning on selling the car. And what I was going to sell the car for - the insurance company paid me a little more than twice that amount. So I am not sure if subconsciously I wrecked or the planets were aligning for the good for me. What ever the reason....I have had seven consecutive days since that have been accident free. So yeah me! And yeah I still have my teeth.

I Need To Move Back to Civilization

Oh dear Lord the drive to work is epic. I lay in bed and dread the actual drive into the office. And when I am in the office I dread the drive home. I even stay late at the office to ensure I do not get stuck in any traffic. I drive by at least three schools. And a dozen church's. Wednesday night Bible study is a killer. No matter when I leave the office it is an hour and half drive home.

When I get close to home there are only a couple bars to hang out at. One is relatively cool, except someone has "censored" the juke box. So no songs with any type of cussing or sexual innuendo. That may not seem like a big deal....except all songs have some cussing and lets face it - everything has to do with sex. So the beer is good, the crowd is cool....but the music is horrible. There is the bar across the street from this one - we have nic named it "The Cave". The Cave is a vacuum of space and time. You have no idea what day it is in there, nor the time, nor the season, nor anything. For some reason The Cave removes all responsibility and only insanity ensues there. This place can only be visited VERY infrequently. The last bar on the way to the house...well, it is a grave yard. The oldest people in all of Georgia hang out there. They all ask me where I moved from to be there.....I tell them. Every response so far has been "Well that was dumb. Where you lived before is way better than this." Thanks guys, like I needed you all to tell me this.

Here is another kicker about living out in East Bumble. NO LIQUOR STORE. I am not sure if you understand this but there are NO LIQUOR STORES. AT ALL. PERIOD. NONE. I can get beer or wine at the grocery store.....which is fine. Except I hate grocery stores and just about everyone in them. But sometimes you want a cocktail. Now I have to plan ahead. Buy it on my epic drive home. Which to me is dangerous because I am so tempted to start drinking while in the car. I have not but it is tempting.

I miss my single girl apartment. I miss living in civilization. I miss my old life. :(

Online Dating - Why It Sucks.

Ali and I are still a part of this one paid site for online dating. We have had ZERO good results with it. As a matter of fact she got this gem of a opener from a gentleman.... we shall dissect it as we go, just so much to comment about. My comments will be between {}.

"Hi, how are you doing? Good I hope. I am fine. I had some time now, so I decided to email you this letter.
I wanted to let you know I had read your profile and I believe you and I got a lot of the same interest{we shall see}, I know we live some miles apart. But I will still like to email you and let see what may happen?, only if you want to. My time here on match is up on 2-25-10, and I will be moving on to some other site to see if I can fine {fine/find whatever} the woman for me, if you’re not the one. So, I don’t know if you would like to email each other to get to know each other better and give it a try. I am new to this on line dating thing, I will like to tell you some more things about myself, and if you like them, write me back, But remember this “NO one can match 100%. “ {and new to writing and thanks for reminding me that there are no perfect people out there....because with this start - I thought it was you}
I am looking forward to meet you,{ease up there boy who said I would meet you? I can barely get through this email} and make new friend and maybe something more later on. If that is ok with you? I don’t know what to say, so I am going to open myself up here, and I hope you like it.
Ok about myself:
I don’t know what to say, but I wanted you to know some more stuff that I feel is good about me, and what friends and family tell me all the time.
I am someone with high self-confidence, {lacking in grammar and spelling skills}I feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. I find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. I am relaxed in groups, and make people around me comfortable.
I am someone who is oriented with familial matters; I value the company of family. I am someone high in openness; I have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. And I am also very easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of my openness is my emotional insight; that is, my probably to have good access to and awareness of my own emotions.
I appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. I believe it’s me that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. (But I am a funny guy :) {I am fat}
I like fishing, boating, driving, walking, camping, movies, going to the clubs (sometimes just to have some fun) {so why do you go to the movies and fish?}, I am looking for a woman, who has the heart of gold, I don’t want someone who into playing games, I want a woman, who knows how to have fun, and is funny, understanding, caring, lovable, and someone who knows what she wants out of life, one who is not (to) shy, and lets me in to know about her, I want to know what’s on the inside.
Well if you think this may be you? So then why not try it, you never know for sure? Take a good look at my profile, Like I said above, I don’t play any games, when it comes to the heart or someone feelings.
Think about it? What’s a couple of more miles, who knows, we could be made for each other?
Well I think that is good for now, if you email me back and want to know more about me, and I believe you can get a picture of what kind of man I am, if you want to email each other here on this site that’s cool, or you can email me at (thekissrule/AT/gmail/Dot/com){YEP HE SPELLED IT OUT!!!} I hope to hear from you soon.{Do not count on it buddy}
In till {what?? maybe he learned to spell with phonics} then, take care of yourself.
Ron"

Moved Out Of My Single Girl Apartment

To save gas and money I have moved out of my single girl apartment and moved into one of my bestie's house. I shall refer to her as Ali. Ali and I spend most of our time together. Either crashing at my apartment or her house. So we decided to move in together to save some cash. Also to keep us focused on fixing up her house so we can sell it.

In this economy we really need to save as much as we can. Got to save money for the super important things like clothes, vacations, and going out. We figure we will save money by only keeping up one residence instead of two. But mostly we are thinking our going out costs are going to go down. I mean - we are in the same location - all we need is some Jager and beer and we are set!

In this move comes Ali's small dog. And with me comes two cats and a small dog. By the way - one of the cat's is slightly unstable. I refer to him as emotionally retarded...which by saying him and emotionally retarded in the same sentence is redundant. But I digress. So far it has been interesting watch them all get use to each other. I am sure I will have tons of stories (I can hear the collective yawn now). Rest assure - I will make sure to only talk about the entertaining stories and keep the mundane details to myself.

Of course the day I move out is the day that the entire United States got hit with snow. Every state got snow - including Hawaii!!! I am not sure why this should shock or upset me.....for I am the most clumsy and unlucky human being on this planet. Everyone will be super happy to know, I touched no boxes. I hired movers. I have all my teeth and no broken bones. So it was an super successful move.

Look forward to more Claire and Ali stories.....they are always fun and a tad bit epic. :)

Teeth Are Back......But For How Long???

The new veneers are back in. Let us all hope that God does not hate this set and I can keep them. I have mixed feelings about this set of teeth. Mostly because they were never suppose to come out in the first place. This set went in so easily it was not even painful. The last time my mouth was sore for a while after getting them put in. Felt like someone punched me in the face. This time....no pain at all. I am hoping this is a good sign.

Only time will tell if this set are Claire-proof.

If You Are Not Hitting On Me - Not Giving You My Phone Number Should Not Be A Big Deal

As I have stated before in my blog - I am not really looking for anyone at this point. I have been very disappointed with the quality and selection of men available currently. Since I am not interested in being picked up - this is causing an interesting opposite reaction. Men are hitting on me like crazy. Last night I am talking to a gentleman at a bar. He eventually asked for my number. I told him I do not give my number out and he suggested I take his number. I politely told him that I would not be calling him so there really is no point. Cut and dry. He then gets defensive to say that he is not trying to hit on me. I said "Then you should have no issue with not exchanging numbers". Apparently, he did. Some how he got more upset.

All I have to say to this is how can you be so invested in a conversation with me after thirty minutes? I mean come on! Really?? You are getting pissed off at me?

Oddly though on Friday a totally different guy said he was hitting on my friend to make me jealous so he could really hit on me. Not sure on how many levels this is fucked up. But it is extensive. I politely told him "I am not interested in being hit on and to save it for someone who could appreciate it." Again, cut and dry. Flat out honest. To this he says "You are not that good looking". Yep - that is what he said which I promptly responded "Then you have no problem walking away then." He still goes on to talk about how he is a Doctor. I then told him "I am pretty sure this whole 'I'm a Doctor' works on lots of girls. Just not me. It is not going to happen so please leave me alone."

Yes people this really happened. I could not make this stuff up because the truth is beyond entertaining enough.

Yep - Totally Broke My Nose.

Was at the doctor today and I mentioned that I might have broken my nose and asked if it looked okay. The only way to find this out is to take some rather expensive images of my face.....known to everyone as x-rays. I did in fact break my beak. The doctor did give me mad props for my ability to reset my own nose. So I am well on my way to becoming my own doctor....I figure I should cut out the middle man anyway. As much time as I spend in ER's.

Dave Barry's Guide to Guys

I was just handed this book http://www.amazon.com/Dave-Barrys-Complete-Guide-Guys/dp/0449910261. From my cursory look - this book is right on the money. The gentlemen who gave me the book said that I would understand guys better, that I may not want anything to do with them, but I would understand them better. I believe him to be true with that statement.

No Daddy Issues Here!

I have only one online profile open at the moment and that is because I paid for it and it runs out very soon. I am not sure what it is about my pictures or my profile that scream either I have daddy issues or I want some young boy for whom I cannot carry on a conversation. Either way - it is disturbing. I am not interested in being a kept woman nor teach a young buck the way life is. Really - are there no good guys out there anymore?? Yikes - it really is beginning to look that way.

To Online Date Or Not To Online Date.........

I am not having any luck people. I feel like I am either on the wrong sites or there are just seriously some slim pickings out there. I have my profile on two sites and removed one already and waiting for the other to expire. I am not going to renew for a while. This may mean less freaky weird boy stories but somehow I doubt it.

The next couple months I am going to get my teeth put back in (God, I never thought I would have ever uttered such a sentence before 90!!!!). I am well on my way to a very healthy diet. Without front teeth you are limited as to what you can eat - so I decided to make it all healthy stuff. It was not a fun switch and now when I eat junk food I want to die. Staying on this wave of semi positive momentum. I am going to get back into - dare I say - running. There was a period in my life that I loved to run and I ran everyday. That feels like a million years ago. So the next couple months are going to be dedicated to my teeth (again, really who says this??) and my health. I will definitely be getting back into yoga since tripping and falling have been such an issue lately. We shall see what kind of adventures it all brings to me.

For those who are reading this for the freaky boy/people stories....fear not. I attract those interactions like flies to poop.

Sleeping Single In A Double Bed........

As I woke this morning sprawled out on my king size bed....I was reminded of the Barbara Mandrell song..."Sleeping Single In A Double Bed." You might remember this gem . I unlike Barbara do not mind sleeping single in my king size bed. Really I was thinking - how on earth could I ever sleep with another person in this bed. I tend to sleep at a diagonal and mainly in the middle. I noticed that I sleep in the middle so I can move from side to side through out the night. I love that. I love being able to utilize the entire bed for my sleeping comfort. Unlike Barbara - I am not upset about my singularity. It does concern me at 5' 5" that I can take up an entire king size bed....but such is the life of my singledom.

God Hates My Teeth

It is the only explanation there is out there. I was just picking things up around my apartment when my ankle gave out.....I then contort my face in such a way that one of the brand new veneers I had put in last month......shattered into a million pieces. It also caused the one next to it to pop off. Of course all this damaged the third and final veneer. This was Thursday night - have I mentioned that my dentist is closed on Friday? Luckily for me they made an exception and were able to get some temps put on.

Not thinking anything worse could happen, I go to dinner with friends. After dinner we hang a local bar. I am starting to have a really good time. We decided to head over to a friend's house and hang out there. We get there and they have this precious medium sized dog. Very affectionate and playful. While playing with the dog the dog snaps her head back....right into my nose. Crunch. Yep folks - broken nose. I had had enough to drink so I pushed it back into place. Needless to say, I can actually breath better than before the nose break.....so for me this little accident actually worked out in my favor.

Just do not understand why God hate's my teeth......wish the two of them could just get a long.

Learn Some Communication Skills and Proof Read

It is amazing to me what guys will send to me on these online dating websites. In my profile I state that I am looking for someone professional. I even checked the check box for what type of education I would like my date to have. Most guys totally never read that or think for some reason they have a chance in hell with me.

A guy just sent me an email saying he would like to talk to me. Even though his email is not enticing what so ever....I usually will look at the profile, if nothing else to get a good laugh. And boy I tell you this one did not disappoint. He wrote and I quote:


"I ENJOY THE OUT DOORS SUCH AS HICKING , FISHING , CAMPING , IM A SINGLE FULL TIME DAD TO A 6 YR OLD BOY ."

I am not 100% sure I know what hicking is but I think it might be bad for my health. I really do not need to point out what else is wrong with this sentence. To top it all off - his email subject line was "LOOKING 4 HOPE". I HOPE you find someone dude, it just is not me.

Falling For A Guy Is Tricky

Last month during the turmoil of my tooth debacle I went on an epically bad date. I thought that I had screened this guy a fair amount before going to dinner with him. I knew he was going to be a nerdy dude....which I am fine with.....truth be told. I like men a little on the geeky side. What I knew about him is that he was a programmer.....I immediately thought he probably plays video games....which I am fine with since I like to play my wii every now and then. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

What I knew before the date was that he was a programmer. Worked mainly out of the house. That we had common tastes in movies and music. We bantered back and forth in emails and it seemed like very good conversation. He kept stressing to me how he likes to work out and by the pictures I have seen, he indeed does. What I will find out is......people are liars....big fat lairs.

I get to the date and walk right into him. He has put on a significant amount of weight since his picture was taken for the website. And he is wearing this long scarf and sheriffs badge. If I did not walk directly into him, I would have turned around and left. When he saw me he made this odd noise similar to this clip where Bill Hader says "Oh, my" or "Oh, no" http://www.hulu.com/watch/45818/saturday-night-live-dateline. I had to choke back the baby vomit in my mouth.

During dinner the conversation was good. We talked about the things we had in common but then the conversation took a turn for the worst.....he started talking about Dr. Who. This is where it all goes from bad to really bad. I ordered more wine. He then tells me about his obsession with Dr. Who and how he dresses like Dr. Who with his scarf everyday. He then explains in painful detail what Dr. Who is all about. At this point I cannot get enough wine in my mouth at one time. To make matters worse.....he then starts talking about his other favorite obesssion - the band......KISS! I again order another wine.

After dinner I give him a peck and tell him good night. He wants to know right there if we can do this again. I do what any polite girl would do in this awkward situation....I lied and said yes.

After the date I go to this local bar on my way home. I need a beer, a cigarette and time to get the Ick of the date off me. I sit down to this guy who I already feel bad for because I am there to bitch. End up sitting down to this other very intelligent, charming, funny, sarcastic, fellow bulldog that listens and makes fun of my date with me. After about an hour I really look at this guy. He is so attractive. I realize that he was the type of person I was hoping I would be going on a date with. How did I just run into him at this bar that I go to all the time?

The next day the bar guy and I exchange emails and continue to pick on my Dr. Who date. We have hung out a few times since. And I truly like him. However, just like the movies "he is not that into me....." It is hard pill to swallow when it feels like we have a good connection. But one I have to swallow. I guess I will always be a friend he met at the bar. At least I have hope now....that there is someone who I will have a great connection with. That will think my quirks are funny as I find his. Hope is better than disappointment any day.