I thought that everyone knows what NOT to talk about on a first date or meeting. Apparently, not everyone is aware of the unwritten laws of what you can and cannot say. I have only gone on three internet dates and I am shocked that people are unaware of the simple conversation etiquette.
Off Limits Topic #1: Your Ex. Never talk about the ex. It is too telling on what a schumk you are and it proves that you are not really over it. If everything you and the new person are talking about reminds you of something about your ex....either keep it to yourself or get back together with the ex. No one....I mean NO ONE wants to hear these stories - especially on the first date.
Off Limits Topic #2: What ever dorky obsession you have with anything. Everyone has a inner geek. Some are more prevalent than others. You maybe super passionate about Dr. Who but unless you met at a Dr. Who website - keep this on the low down. Everyone has passions like this, lets just keep that one to ourselves until date five or so. Even if you love Dr. Who so much that you pattern your wardrobe after him.....again, keep that one on the down low.
Off Limits Topic #3: The excretions of any bodily fluid or lack there of. Telling me you woke up in the middle of the night and were dry heaving...not exactly what I want to hear the first time I meet you. All I am going to think is that you have puke breath....not really the thought you want going through my head if you planned on kissing me good night.
Off Limits Topic #4: Recent run ins with the law. People get pulled over all the time. We all understand that, however, getting a DUI is not something that should come up in casual conversation. And not with someone you just met. Personally, this is a deal breaker for me....anyone who knows my ex knows I have seen way too many of these from my partner. Not sure what was going to get accomplished by telling me this, other than do not ride with you.
Off Limits Topic #5: Pet stories. They are only funny to you. Do not even bring any up as a rule of thumb. Unless this pet story ended up on the evening news it should be kept to yourself.
As a general rule, I try to talk as much as I listen. And I will listen more than I will talk. Interject with opinions and comments but do not hog the conversation and pay attention to how much you are talking. If you start trying to talk too much you might run the risk of talking about the off limits topics I have outlined. Happy Dating.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Truth IS Stranger Than Fiction
When I started writing this blog I thought that I would start off with a few things as they happened to me for inspiration. Then I would drift off into some of the REALLY odd things that have occurred in my life. So far - this is my life as it unfolds. I had a dear friend of mine tell me that my life was stranger than fiction....that it is. It is not for everyone....but I love it and would not have my life any other way. It is crazy, insane, unpredictable, and all mine. I AM that person people tell the most intimate things to for no reason. I AM that person that draws the wierdo's to them. I AM that person that can take it and enjoy it for that crazy moment in time that it is. I think my experiences are hilarious.....and I hope you all do too. My goal in life is to laugh...not just laugh....but laugh from my inside out. For the laugh to start as rumble and a giggle....and let it shake me....then build into a roar...and let it out with the loudest "HA!".....that is the type of joy I think is important. Yours may differ in intensity and build to something else....but you know what I mean.....it always starts with a rumble...and builds to that piece of joy...of happiness. I hope that everyone enjoys my blog, I really like sharing it.
Clumsy Does Not Begin To Describe Me.
I know that people think they are clumsy people. That they have done some really dumb things. Usually the best thing that can come out of a clumsy episode is a good story. I on the other hand, have clumsy stories that could happen to anyone but ALWAYS happen to me. I chipped my front tooth yesterday. This is the same tooth a few years ago that I crushed in half with my tennis racket. Ok, I know you are wondering how does one crush a FRONT tooth with a tennis racket.
The day was overcast. No rain, just clouds. My ex husband and I decided on a nice game of tennis for the afternoon. He lobs a serve my way. It was pretty high up. I look up and reach with my racket.....and the glare from the sun simultaneously blinds me. In reaction to the blinding sun was to cover my eyes. That is when the racket came crashing into my tooth, that crumbled into a million little pieces. I have never played tennis again. This was six months before my wedding. The Dentist did fix up my tooth so I was presentable again in public - not pretty, presentable.
That was until yesterday when I took my plastic mug and went to take a sip of water. For some reason I hit my front tooth just right to have the fake part of my tooth fall out. So now I am back to rocking the hill billy tooth look.
*Update! Went to the dentist. Found out my insurance gets a heck of a discount on veneers. Looks like I am getting four of my front teeth done. I have been wanting this done for years. I guess my bad luck has turned into GOOD! I am actually getting the smile that I have always wanted at price of fixing one of my teeth. Maybe being clumsy is a good thing. I did not get a great story out of it but boy did I get a happy ending!!!
The day was overcast. No rain, just clouds. My ex husband and I decided on a nice game of tennis for the afternoon. He lobs a serve my way. It was pretty high up. I look up and reach with my racket.....and the glare from the sun simultaneously blinds me. In reaction to the blinding sun was to cover my eyes. That is when the racket came crashing into my tooth, that crumbled into a million little pieces. I have never played tennis again. This was six months before my wedding. The Dentist did fix up my tooth so I was presentable again in public - not pretty, presentable.
That was until yesterday when I took my plastic mug and went to take a sip of water. For some reason I hit my front tooth just right to have the fake part of my tooth fall out. So now I am back to rocking the hill billy tooth look.
*Update! Went to the dentist. Found out my insurance gets a heck of a discount on veneers. Looks like I am getting four of my front teeth done. I have been wanting this done for years. I guess my bad luck has turned into GOOD! I am actually getting the smile that I have always wanted at price of fixing one of my teeth. Maybe being clumsy is a good thing. I did not get a great story out of it but boy did I get a happy ending!!!
Friday, December 4, 2009
MORE Bad Poses By Men On Dating Sites.
The more I look at these dating websites the more I think - Men really need a lot of help. I have a new crop of bad poses and what they convey.
Bad Pose #5 Taking your picture with other women.
Impact Showing off and/or "Look at me I know ladies" (and they like me enough to take a picture)
Alternative Just a thought - but how about a picture just of yourself. We live in the digital age, you can take more than one picture. It is not like you have only twenty four pictures you can take and then you have to run out and get them developed. You got a camera phone just start taking pictures until you get one you like of yourself. It might take a hundred....but well worth the effort.
Bad Pose #6 Standing next to your hotter guy friends
Impact We might get to know you to get to know them.
Alternative See answer for Bad Pose #5
Bad Pose #7 The "serious" non-smiling face
Impact You either look pissed off or constipated.
Alternative Just smile. It will not kill you. And the serious face is the one we see when we piss you off, we will see that soon enough. Let us think of you in a happy situation.
Bad Pose #8 In Fire Fighter Uniform posing with other fire fighters while a fire is going on in the back ground.
Impact Slacker. Put the camera down and do, I don't know, YOU'RE JOB! Love seeing my tax dollars at work for a nice group photo while someone's house burns down in the background.
Alternative It is a crazy thought but how about taking a picture with your buddies in uniform, say ON YOUR OWN TIME!! **Being in uniform during a fire would ONLY work if it were a picture of you coming out of the fire saving a grandmother, kitten, or puppy.
Bad Pose #5 Taking your picture with other women.
Impact Showing off and/or "Look at me I know ladies" (and they like me enough to take a picture)
Alternative Just a thought - but how about a picture just of yourself. We live in the digital age, you can take more than one picture. It is not like you have only twenty four pictures you can take and then you have to run out and get them developed. You got a camera phone just start taking pictures until you get one you like of yourself. It might take a hundred....but well worth the effort.
Bad Pose #6 Standing next to your hotter guy friends
Impact We might get to know you to get to know them.
Alternative See answer for Bad Pose #5
Bad Pose #7 The "serious" non-smiling face
Impact You either look pissed off or constipated.
Alternative Just smile. It will not kill you. And the serious face is the one we see when we piss you off, we will see that soon enough. Let us think of you in a happy situation.
Bad Pose #8 In Fire Fighter Uniform posing with other fire fighters while a fire is going on in the back ground.
Impact Slacker. Put the camera down and do, I don't know, YOU'RE JOB! Love seeing my tax dollars at work for a nice group photo while someone's house burns down in the background.
Alternative It is a crazy thought but how about taking a picture with your buddies in uniform, say ON YOUR OWN TIME!! **Being in uniform during a fire would ONLY work if it were a picture of you coming out of the fire saving a grandmother, kitten, or puppy.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The Dick Picture Mystery Has Been Solved!!
Allow me to set the stage for this one....I was hanging (no pun intended) out with this guy we will call Ted. Ted had an eclectic group of friends. Ranging from professional business people to a guy who appears to be homeless and sits on the couch at every party. In the mix of this group of people were the hard core bachelors who partied like they were twenty, but closer to forty. They are the types that still sleep on floor at each other's houses without a blanket or pillow. They just curl up and sleep/pass out - whatever.
Let me just say that this group was super fun to see a concert with. It had been years since I had seen a live performance before meeting them. They really opened my eyes to how much fun that seeing a band can be. And I thank them all for that.
It has been over a year since I have hung out with Ted and his friends. One of his friends - who we will call Johnny Q. - we always got a long very well. After Ted and I stopped spending time together. I did what you do....delete all the numbers of his friends you use to hang out with and move on. Apparently Johnny Q. did not delete my number. He also thought after getting hammered one early evening (5 pm is when the text came in) that taking a snap shot of his penis and sending it to me was appropriate too. All this time I thought it was the ONE guy I gave my phone number to in a bar. But nooooo, it was good old Johnny Q. He contacted me on instant messenger to fess up to his picture texting. Now knowing it was Johnny Q. I laughed. I laughed a lot. He said "I thought girls would like a picture of a cock." Yep folks, that is what he said. I was pretty shocked - and it is not an easy thing to do to me. Awkwardly I said "Well, at least I know who sent me the dick picture." Where he responds with a "So, you wanna hang out sometime?" I cannot make this stuff up. It just happens to me - ALL THE TIME!! I of course responded "No thanks!" and promptly deleted him as a friend on facebook.
Let me just say that this group was super fun to see a concert with. It had been years since I had seen a live performance before meeting them. They really opened my eyes to how much fun that seeing a band can be. And I thank them all for that.
It has been over a year since I have hung out with Ted and his friends. One of his friends - who we will call Johnny Q. - we always got a long very well. After Ted and I stopped spending time together. I did what you do....delete all the numbers of his friends you use to hang out with and move on. Apparently Johnny Q. did not delete my number. He also thought after getting hammered one early evening (5 pm is when the text came in) that taking a snap shot of his penis and sending it to me was appropriate too. All this time I thought it was the ONE guy I gave my phone number to in a bar. But nooooo, it was good old Johnny Q. He contacted me on instant messenger to fess up to his picture texting. Now knowing it was Johnny Q. I laughed. I laughed a lot. He said "I thought girls would like a picture of a cock." Yep folks, that is what he said. I was pretty shocked - and it is not an easy thing to do to me. Awkwardly I said "Well, at least I know who sent me the dick picture." Where he responds with a "So, you wanna hang out sometime?" I cannot make this stuff up. It just happens to me - ALL THE TIME!! I of course responded "No thanks!" and promptly deleted him as a friend on facebook.
The evolution of Douchebag
Douchebag has come a long way. It is becoming a word similar to fuck, in the way you can use it. I would like to show the different wondrous forms that it comes in.......
douchebag (noun, adjective)
douchebaggary (verb)
doucheyness (adjective)
douchetard (noun, adjective)
douchebagitarian (lifestyle)
All forms of douchebag will be used a lot in my blog. Feel free to use it in YOUR everyday language. I am sure as is mine, You're mother will be proud.
douchebag (noun, adjective)
douchebaggary (verb)
doucheyness (adjective)
douchetard (noun, adjective)
douchebagitarian (lifestyle)
All forms of douchebag will be used a lot in my blog. Feel free to use it in YOUR everyday language. I am sure as is mine, You're mother will be proud.
Lessons about posting pictures on online dating sites: For Men Only!
As I have gotten back into the dating world. I realize that opportunities to meet people of like mind and age is more difficult. It is not like the dating opportunities of when I was in college. In this day and age turning to the internet just makes sense. Being able to look through a group of men to find the one you want to talk to appeals to me. What does not - is the bad pictures and poses men put on their profiles. Lets go through the worst of them:
Bad Pose #1 Shirt off and flexing.
Impact In a word - Douchebag.
Alternative If you are serious about meeting someone -wearing a nice fitted shirt that complements you great body - way hotter. Standing with your shirt off just looks desperate. And nothing stinks worse than desperation. I know as a guy you want to see this from the ladies - posed and half naked. But get real. A real woman is a bit more picky about for whom she sheds her clothes.
Bad Pose #2 Taking your picture in a mirror.
Impact Where do I begin on this? First I do not want to see your bathroom. And you had better clean up that bathroom prior to taking the photo. Second, We cannot really see what you look like. Those pictures never turns out. All I see is a person standing in a bathroom.
Alternative Anything is better than this pose. Taking a picture of your self making duck lips would be better. I do not want to see your bathroom. If you can - get someone else to take picture.....maybe a head shot.
Bad Post #3 Pictures with your kids.
Impact I just do not think you should be exposing your children like that to strangers. You need to be more selective to whom you show their pictures. They are priceless things that need to be earned by someone - not given out like a party favor.
Alternative Talking about having kids is more than enough for anyone to know about your children before you meet them. People are crazy out there (BELIEVE ME I KNOW) and you do not want people looking at your kids that you have no control over.
Bad Pose #4 Sitting on Motorcycle or in front of car or jet ski
Impact We get it, you are a guy. You have a penis. Move on. It would be like a girl sitting in front of all her shoes. Exciting??? Did not think so.
Alternative How about a good old fashion close up of your face. I do not need to see that you have gadgets I already assume you do.....you are a guy. It is redundant. Plus, if you mention in your profile that you like to go motorcycle riding that is a pretty darn good clue you have a motorcycle.
Bad Pose #1 Shirt off and flexing.
Impact In a word - Douchebag.
Alternative If you are serious about meeting someone -wearing a nice fitted shirt that complements you great body - way hotter. Standing with your shirt off just looks desperate. And nothing stinks worse than desperation. I know as a guy you want to see this from the ladies - posed and half naked. But get real. A real woman is a bit more picky about for whom she sheds her clothes.
Bad Pose #2 Taking your picture in a mirror.
Impact Where do I begin on this? First I do not want to see your bathroom. And you had better clean up that bathroom prior to taking the photo. Second, We cannot really see what you look like. Those pictures never turns out. All I see is a person standing in a bathroom.
Alternative Anything is better than this pose. Taking a picture of your self making duck lips would be better. I do not want to see your bathroom. If you can - get someone else to take picture.....maybe a head shot.
Bad Post #3 Pictures with your kids.
Impact I just do not think you should be exposing your children like that to strangers. You need to be more selective to whom you show their pictures. They are priceless things that need to be earned by someone - not given out like a party favor.
Alternative Talking about having kids is more than enough for anyone to know about your children before you meet them. People are crazy out there (BELIEVE ME I KNOW) and you do not want people looking at your kids that you have no control over.
Bad Pose #4 Sitting on Motorcycle or in front of car or jet ski
Impact We get it, you are a guy. You have a penis. Move on. It would be like a girl sitting in front of all her shoes. Exciting??? Did not think so.
Alternative How about a good old fashion close up of your face. I do not need to see that you have gadgets I already assume you do.....you are a guy. It is redundant. Plus, if you mention in your profile that you like to go motorcycle riding that is a pretty darn good clue you have a motorcycle.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Douchbagitarian
Humanitarians do things for other people, selflessly. Douchebagitarians do selfish things with no regard for others. It is not just a name it is a life style. You know one, we all do.
Celebrity douchebagitarians: Jon Gosselin and Kanye West
Everyday douchebagitarians: my ex husband (all ex husbands)
Celebrity douchebagitarians: Jon Gosselin and Kanye West
Everyday douchebagitarians: my ex husband (all ex husbands)
Dating rule number one - DO NOT GIVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER OUT TOO SOON.
I cannot emphasize this point enough. I would like to think that I have am cautious and discerning when giving out my number. As much as I am picky about who I give my number too, I have made mistakes. I want you all to learn from my mistakes.
Mistake #1. Giving your number out at a bar
Result - random picture texts of his dick.
Lesson - No matter how sweet or nice a guy seems - you can never trust your judgment after any amount of alcohol. Safe bet is to give him an email address (for an account you set up just to screen guys)...and then SLOWLY get to know him that way. If he makes it through all your filters by the time he gets your number he is not going to start off with a dick picture.
Mistake #2. Give a guy you met on line your number within the first day of talking to him online.
Result - drunkin dials to you at 8:30am talking about how he only has one sock on and that is it. Then a full conversation of that there are little people that come in the middle of the night and steal your socks.
Lesson - You need more than day of communication before and phone calls. His impulse to get you on the phone needs to be tempered. I cannot say this enough - screen, screen, screen, screen!
Other solutions:
1. Give this number out - 404 260 1318 - this is the rejection hotline.
2. Give your ex husband's phone number....I have done this before. It works, but you usually have to do the same in return....so keep that in mind before doing. I suggest not telling him the first time you do it. It is a fun surprise for everyone.
Mistake #1. Giving your number out at a bar
Result - random picture texts of his dick.
Lesson - No matter how sweet or nice a guy seems - you can never trust your judgment after any amount of alcohol. Safe bet is to give him an email address (for an account you set up just to screen guys)...and then SLOWLY get to know him that way. If he makes it through all your filters by the time he gets your number he is not going to start off with a dick picture.
Mistake #2. Give a guy you met on line your number within the first day of talking to him online.
Result - drunkin dials to you at 8:30am talking about how he only has one sock on and that is it. Then a full conversation of that there are little people that come in the middle of the night and steal your socks.
Lesson - You need more than day of communication before and phone calls. His impulse to get you on the phone needs to be tempered. I cannot say this enough - screen, screen, screen, screen!
Other solutions:
1. Give this number out - 404 260 1318 - this is the rejection hotline.
2. Give your ex husband's phone number....I have done this before. It works, but you usually have to do the same in return....so keep that in mind before doing. I suggest not telling him the first time you do it. It is a fun surprise for everyone.
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